Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dear Facebook "Truth Game"


Dear Facebook Truth Game:

You have to be the crappiest social networking game known to man. You try to get me to re-add you under 20 different aliases just so that I can see how my friends answer stupid “yes or no” questions about me. If my friends want to know the answers to any of those questions, they can just ask me. The answers are normally pretty awesome.

For example: I have, in fact, let the yellow mellow a time or three. If you have ever had a newborn baby, there’s no doubt that you have silently celebrated and maybe even pantomimed an end zone dance when the little satan spawn angel finally dozed off.  If you’ve ever had a bathroom within ear shot of the baby’s nursery, you undoubtedly know that a flushing toilet might as well be a jackhammer. Your favorite phrase when you had to pee was probably, “FML.”

See? Wasn’t that awesome? Not only is the answer to the question out in the open for everyone to know, it was delivered with that personal “Keri” touch that no one else can give it. Your stupid “Yes” and “No” buttons can’t touch that. I know there are also several opinion questions that I can’t actually answer for my friends, but you know what they say: “If I wanted your opinion, I’d take a crap.” I generally subscribe to that theory. 

So, Facebook Truth Game, I’d like to cordially invite you to stop trashin’ up my social networking experience with all your different applications. You wouldn’t have to create new ones with different names if your original application didn’t suck so badly. Just take the hint and realize that people hide your posts no matter what name you’re using because you’re utterly annoying and trashy. If I want to have some trash-o-licious fun on Facebook (read: If I’m drinking heavily enough), I’ll unblock one of your other multitudes of sister applications and play. Until then, you can resist the urge to create new ones.

Sincerely,
Me

Saturday, August 20, 2011

PSA: Whining vs. Complaining

If you’re reading this and actually halfway know me, you probably already know that I love your stupid face off (unless I’ve personally told you that I hate you, but that should come with some kind of award because I don’t do that very often). So don’t let what I’m about to say hurt your precious feelers. I’m not really that bitchy, I just complain a lot. There’s a difference, I swear.

With all that said and out of the way, I have a complaint.  It goes a little bit like this:

I hate it when you, the general public, whine about stupid things. So, stop it! Just stop it now! The types of people who whine about trivial things are also the people who are overly emotional about other things too. Every single day of their lives sounds like it’s been ripped straight out of one of those sappy Lifetime movies. If something bad happens, it’s tragic and they can’t stop bawling their eyes out. Ten seconds later, though, those same people are “so blessed” for some other reason. If you suspect that you may be one of those people, do the world a favor and make up your mind.

Here’s the most annoying part. Add Facebook or Google+ into the equation.  The good news is most of the people on my friends lists are pretty good at complaining rather than whining. A good complaint can be pretty damn entertaining. Not to mention I love the pictures of your kiddos, cute things they said, funny observations about random stuff... heck, I even don’t mind hearing what you had for lunch. I’ll probably tell you what I had for dinner because I’m awesome like that. The bad news is, social networking is the ultimate tool for whine-bags to alert you to their changing emotional state every 15 min-1 hour. Seriously--just stop it.

I know some people are confused right now and are thinking, “Um golly gee, Keri! I sure as syrup don’t know what the difference between whining and complainin’ really is. Couldja tell me?”

Observe.

Complaining:
Braum’s really sucks at customer service. I think their interview process involves throwing a $100 bill on the floor and telling you it’s yours. If you’re too dang lazy to pick it up and pocket it, you’re hired.

Whining:
Do you know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and stomped on? That’s what I felt like today when McDonald’s messed up my sweet little boy’s Happy Meal. He doesn’t eat mustard or ketchup, OR pickles. Now he’s going to have to starve until he gets home and it’s ALL my fault. Why me, God? WHY ME?!

Complaining:
I paid good money to see this stupid movie, and if the person behind me doesn’t get his feet off the back of my bleepity-bleepin’ seat, I’m gonna rip his legs off and beat him to death with them. ...and all I can say is he better not get any blood in my popcorn.

Whining:
I seriously can’t stop crying. Why can’t certain people just grow up? I’m so over it.
(Note: This is extra annoying because you’re not just whining, but being pointlessly vague as well. Also, I’d like to clonk you over the head with a blunt object for always being “over it” even though you’re obviously not, but hey, it’s your lie. Tell it how you want.)

Clear? I certainly hope so. Now go have yourself a hell of a day. I believe in you… or some other crappy motivational sentiment.