I Suck At Auto Accidents

It's true! I completely, most-definitely, without a doubt, incredibly suck when it comes to having a proper auto accident...

In my defense, though, my absolute suckness comes from not ever having an auto accident before this one. I guess I'm just not practiced enough. Some would say this is a good thing, but "some" obviously have never had to deal with insurance after playing what I now call, "EXTREME PARKING LOT CRASH-N-SMAAAAASH!" This is, of course, in all capital letters because there is absolutely no way that you can say "EXTREME PARKING LOT CRASH-N-SMAAAAASH!" quietly. If you disagree, I'd have to say I'm disappointed in you, but I digress...

The actual accident happened almost two weeks ago in the Wal-Mart parking lot of Small Town, America. There are serveral details surrounding the event, but the most important ones include a 4x4 Dodge crew cab truck the size of your house raping the front-end of my precious, virtuous Jeep without so much as foreplay. Of course, the resident monster truck driver decided she haaaaad to have a police report. So, Small Town, OK, put its best (wo)man on the case. We'll call her Supercop Sally.

Small Town, OK, fancies itself to be a bustling metropolis where crime could be lurking around any corner. So, naturally, Supercop Sally had places she'd rather be (like tackling jaywalkers and superman-punching litterbugs). I'm pretty sure she wanted to take the police report as much as she wanted a wedgie because the most enthusiastic thing she did was try to convince Monster Truck Lady that she didn't need to file one. To make a long story short, Supercop Sally just wrote down whatever Monster Truck Lady said and pretty much screwed up the whole police report to the point of mixing us up in such a way that I actually had an accident with myself by her account.

Here's where I suck at this kind of thing.

I am not agressive. I'm more the "Oh my gosh, I'm so, so sorry!" type. This applies even when things aren't exactly my fault. You could purposely dump hot coffee in my lap for no apparent reason, and I'd probably still be the one apologizing to you. Now, don't get me wrong. I'll still secretly wish that you'll get eaten alive by something evil and scary with sharp teeth (like my mother-in-law), but rest assured I will apologize.

I also can't get by without making some sort of nervous, painfully awkward joke. In this case, Monster Truck Lady had just moved to Small Town, OK, from out-of-state. I kid you not, the first thing to come out of my mouth was, "Well.. um.. Welcome to Oklahoma! As you can see, the welcoming committee still needs work."  I followed that up with, "This is kind of disappointing for my first auto accident. There wasn't a single explosion," a little bit later.

The last thing that absolutely sucks about my "EXTREME PARKING LOT CRASH-N-SMAAAAASH!" technique is not knowing that I had to be the one to contact Monster Truck Lady's insurance. You would think, with as much money as we pay in insurance premiums, that Pretty Pricey Insurance would at least do that for me. Heck, I had to give them all that info. That is why, after I was found not-at-fault by my own insurance company, I had to call Equally Pricey Insurance to start the process all over again.

The End.
(You'll have to pretend I wrote that in a big pretty fairy-tale ending type font.)

Oh! I almost forgot. I'd also like to send one of those shout-out things to Small Town Police Department in Small Town, OK. Thanks for giving me a pile of dung and calling it a police report and then acting like getting it to the insurance company within a two week time period after they requested it is really hard. Way to go! You're the best!